Oh, Reality

Where was I? Oh, yeah.. the path to my 1st heartbreak. You know, I’ve just realized that I’ve never really let out the whole story to anyone, mostly because when my heart was broken I got a lot of “Oh, Haydee, I knew this would happen.” and “What did you do’s?” so letting it out like this is nice and it’s sort of therapeutic in a way.

Going to the east coast for Christmas was amazing because I was with him. It was my first holiday without my family and I was riddled with guilt but for once I thought in that moment that I was doing something that made me happy because this was about me and not about pleasing everyone else. Needless to say my family was horrified that..

A. I hadn’t asked nor was I asking people if they were okay with it.

B. Helloooo, stranger danger (okay lol they had a point).

C. I was/am not an impulsive person (analytical person over here).

The list I’m sure goes on. Christmas came and went and he decided that once he ended his contract that he would move to my side of the world even though he had an 8 year old. Let me make it clear that I never asked nor expected him to choose me versus staying with his child who he hadn’t spent much time with since her birth and I didn’t want his choice to turn into resentment if his relationship with her suffered as a result.

I said before in my previous post that my rule was to never date military or someone with a child and it’s not because of some sort of snub but rather because I’ve observed how rough and how heartbreaking those scenarios can be especially when combined and honestly didn’t think I’d be strong enough to be in either one (way to throw myself in right?).

Other than those things everything seemed perfect, ‘he’ treated me with value and shared all his doubts with me and listened and comforted me when it came to hearing mine, he’d write pages and pages of words that actually had depth and ‘he’ was smart (I’m a sucker for that). Enough of that, don’t you hate it that memories seem so much sweeter than they are. Humans or at least I am a sucker for nostalgia.

Here are the things ‘he’ did that I was and am grateful for, ‘he’ infected me with his spontaneity and his everything can happen attitude because it was not what I was used to being around and I loved the joy that can come about from that. ‘He’ was the first person I ever trusted and said I love you to (I use the phrase sparingly). ‘He’ was also the 1st person I could see myself having a child with which was a bigggg deal, love and trust makes you want to procreate? Also let me say that because of all of those things I have no regrets or hatred towards him, if anything after it was all done I just felt a deep sadness for the the what wouldn’t be and a deep sadness for the questions that would remain unanswered.

Here are the not so lovely things and well, the end. ‘He’ wanted me to quit the job I most hated because he said he could take care of it (I’m incredibly stubborn & independent) I had a second one that I took to help a friend out so I wouldn’t be completely dependent and after much doubt and fear of quitting I said okay and flew down to the east coast where his military base was at because he’d be ending his military career on valentines day and we were to road trip it back to my side of the world (that never happened). Instead it ended abruptly and without explanation with an “I can’t do this” which left me crying in the snow and wandering his parents neighborhood because of my pride (oh, how it’s saved me at times), I refused to let his parents see me cry.

When I was finally able to semi collect myself I called the airport to book a red eye flight back home which set me back 700 dollars and called my sister to see if I could be picked up. I was asked what happened and all I could say was that I didn’t know, because I didn’t and really in all honesty still don’t know. What, I know is that I deserved more, I deserved a better heads up because I didn’t ask for the promises that he gave and I deserved an explanation. I will however say that when I demanded an explanation because I was better than that he cried so hard that he hurled. That I’m not ashamed to admit gave me satisfaction because I wanted him to feel pain if he wasn’t going to explain himself.

Sometimes we get a feeling in our guts that comes through the haze of warm butterflies and my feeling was that ‘he’ was temporary that something would happen to end things and that I would never understand what but that it would hurt like none other but I ignored it and said to myself that I was overreacting and that I should take a risk because what’s the worst thing that could happen? Why risk it? Because throughout my 25 years of life I had never been surrounded by happy relationships, instead I grew up surrounded by bitterness, resentment, tears and anger and I was my mothers confidant in all things terrible and sad and I grew up feeling terrified that I would become that person because anything more was just not meant to be. I always however held a flicker of hope that I would be different, that I would have a happier fate and you know what? I still do, because I am for the most part in control of it or at least on how I view the ‘bad’.

Time to end my novel of a story with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books/influences and get back to work.