That’s the lesson I’m learning.
What does survival mean to me? Work, have something to eat, respond to people & be surprised when you get some unexpected laughs out of it. Going about your day as if everything is normal is my method for survival.
When people speak of their woes you care, but you don’t care as much as you used to because the world seems numb. The relationship that once was easy to keep even though you live at a distance, now seems hard because you don’t know how to connect since you feel so alone emotionally and physically.
Who am I? I’m someone who starts self isolating when I’m experiencing anxiety or depression. I’ve always been a self appointed lone wolf throughout my life because of my hyper independence and my struggle to ask people for help. When I’m going through emotional hardships those survival skills ramp up into high gear. I’ll turn off my phone or refuse to answer, I’ll close my blinds and not leave my bubble until I’m forced to for work because well… responsibilities and survival. I’m what a professional once labeled as a high functioning anxious person but with the expectation that I can ride it out.
With grief that ramp up is into one of the highest gears I’ve experienced. Zero desire to leave my studio apartment, I’ve stayed in since Thursday evening. Crying, sometimes whilst on the phone, in the tub and on the floor. There’s minimal movement, aside from some water, coffee and food but at least I have music playing in the background.
Right now I don’t know what I’m doing but I just know that I don’t want to feel like I’m always suffocating and barely surviving because that’s where I’m at right now. Tomorrow, masking my emotions begins again with having to go back to work.
Don’t worry guys, even though I struggle asking for help I am scheduled with a grief therapist. Please don’t let my disconnected thoughts prevent you from seeking help.
I know I’ll figure this out…
My Lifestate 