Starting Over

Is it ever easy? Hell no, especially when the past keeps rearing it’s ugly head/s. I don’t care what society says, starting over is never easy especially as you get older.

When you’re younger you have all the hope in the world, your view is that anything is possible, that you are practically invincible. That you have time to make mistakes, to get involved with people who are mistakes. That the career can wait, that this is your time to explore.

At 30, my mistakes have cost me, my false sense of security no matter how bleak it seemed at times it was still mine. I felt like every decision had a purpose, that maybe the downs were temporary.

Now that I’m moving past that, I realize how my experiences were temporary, how even if I’m starting over in a different city and on a rollercoaster job search that it’s still better than the pain and the person that I was before this move, who I was when I was in the wrong relationship. So why is it so hard?

It’s because life tests and teases you. It shows you that those who hurt you are now happiest without you and that hurts when you’ve been left with nothing but pain from the experience. It also reminds you how disconnected you became with yourself and those that loved you. Learning to love yourself again is hard.

Plus in my case my ex from 5 years ago that I loved in every single way despite his imperfections pops back up and because you’re vulnerable and believe in the good in people you allow him in. He’s just as impulsive as before, he says leaving you was his biggest mistake and he would do anything for a second chance.

You tell him you can’t give him that but you hope that this is the universes way of giving you something golden back. With his impulses he promises you the world but you give him reality and he stops being persistent and he backs away because he says maybe you’re right and maybe he is being impulsive, that he doesn’t want to hurt you, that he isn’t perfect and that maybe it’s easier to be with someone that he knows will be a sure failure.

Just like that the universe shows you that no one is golden and that maybe just maybe everything is just a lesson. I fucking hate lessons…..