The last time I wrote down my thoughts, I was trying to figure out the in’s out’s of my life. I thought, I had it all figured out, even if life was throwing me for a loop. Needless to say a lot has happened.
- I received my degree.
- I’ve quit my job.
- I’ll be leaving the country for 3 weeks.
- I’m single.
- I’m starting over.
I’m now 30, for those who say that it’s the new 20 I hope you’re partially wrong because 20 for me was full of stupid and naive decisions although I’d do anything to feel the level of invincibility and hope that I felt back then.
The ‘nice guy’ that I mentioned that I was in a relationship with ended it after 4 years. I was blindsided by it. There was no goodbye, even though we lived together. Instead, there was a conversation on our 4 year anniversary that he thought we needed to breakup because he didn’t know who he was anymore and he couldn’t help me if he couldn’t help himself and that he couldn’t figure it out if we were together.
He said it wasn’t me, it was him and laughed and said it really wasn’t a cliche. He said that he had thought about being an asshole to me so that I would hate him but that he couldn’t do that to me. I let his words sink in and I couldn’t say, ‘no don’t do this’ because if he felt lost than how could I be selfish and tell him to do something he felt he needed?
Two days later I was gone and even though he said he would help me move out, he made sure to be gone every time that I went to pick up my things. He texted me on the second day for me to let him know where I left the key once I left.
I left him with everything and felt numb about it, I left him with furniture that I had paid for when he had nothing because I couldn’t bare to imagine leaving him sleeping on the floor because I loved him.
He never bothered to say goodbye… after 4 years and telling my parents that he was saving up for a ring and telling me that we should save up for a house he couldn’t be bothered with calling or saying a goodbye in person.
Did I mean so little to him that I wasn’t worth facing?
I don’t have the answers anymore, it’s been 2 1/2 months since I’ve seen him. He’s sent me a text afterwards saying that one day I’d thank him for doing this whether or not we ended up getting back together or not.
He told me he didn’t want me to disappear and that he still loved me and that’s why he had to end it.
He told me he needed time and that he didn’t know what he wanted anymore.
A month later he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and he realized this after being alone.
He then told me that he still fantasized about me and that he didn’t know if this was forever but that I shouldn’t wait around for him to decide and that he would be willing to go out and do things with me as long as there was positivity.
That’s when I decided that after 4 years this person didn’t know me, because if he did he wouldn’t have done this to me in the way that he did and that he wouldn’t say these things to me.
Maybe I have high expectations but I can’t help but feel that I deserved more even after the love was gone.
I never thought that he would end it, I thought that he was ‘IT’ even if everyone thought that I was too good for him but he was so good at convincing me that no one could ever love me like he did (those were his words).
Why is it that the ones who hurt us the most or make us feel inferior are the ones we want to keep or the ones we just don’t give up on until we’re left with hearts bleeding and feeling empty inside?
My Lifestate 