Self reflection & Self LOVE

Today was one of my brighter days. Yes, of course I have dark days don’t we all? Days that feel heavy and full of nostalgia for a time where I thought my life was complete or that at least it would all come together (it’s a very long story).

It’s funny how people can have the power to make you feel invincible or the opposite..powerless and reckless (that’s for another day too). Anyways, where was I? Brightness, yes brightness. Ahem, today was a brighter day because work didn’t feel quite so tedious and I have a break between school terms, I worked out and that alone made me feel like I could kick some ass or at least my own in a positive way. Let me explain, why I even work out..

A. I want to improve and LOVE myself.

B. I never thought it’d be therapeutic, but oh man is it.

C. It’s the one thing that I feel I can CONTROL. Notice the key word.

Yup, control is the one thing that I feel that I’ve lost when it comes to the things that I used to take for granted back when I felt that I had more self made stability. Yes, I’m grateful that I have a roof over my head but am I the only one who feels that as I’ve grown older, family in a way has become or can feel either more judgmental or distant? These perceptions can bring about guilt, resentment and whatever volatile emotion you want to pick. You know what? Screw guilt, people change and you know what, that’s okay that I’ve changed (This is the bright part)!

As one gets older, you experience pain, joy, love in every crazy messed up way and you form ideas and opinions that make you feel sane and hopeful. For me, sanity is easier to achieve than happiness because it keeps you grounded, don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to be all doom and gloom this is the brighter part right? But happiness isn’t a permanent fixture in your life and if it is than lucky you and can I know what you’re putting in your water?

Life naturally has it’s ups and downs and I sometimes/all the time give those downs more credit and sometimes you want to tell people that the “It’ll get better” line is a lie, but you know what? It will get better; I can’t tell you how many times I thought that I wouldn’t be able to surpass sadness, pain and self doubt, how thoughts and memories used to make me feel as if my heart was broken and as if the tears would never stop. But lets fast forward to hmm.. a little over 2 years and those thoughts and memories no longer produce tears, I don’t hold hatred in my heart and most importantly my hope hasn’t died off and I’m still chugging along and feel quite determined to love myself a little more every day even if the words and the vibes that I’m receiving from others are quite the opposite of that.

I should end my incomplete thoughts by emphasizing that today was a brighter day because of my reflections and of my efforts to improve myself and therefore NOT give up on myself because I still plan to work on loving myself regardless of anyone’s opinion of me.